What do you value most in a friend? Honesty? Loyalty? Humor? Shared interests? Listening skills? Empathy?
What about simply being there when you need someone?
In “Being There,” David French, an Opinion columnist, writes about a time when he was not present when a friend needed him most:
I want to begin this column by sharing with you one of the worst things I ever did. I was only 18 years old, but that was no excuse. Late one night I got a call from a close friend. “My dad’s on the way to the hospital,” he said. “It’s really bad.” His voice was shaking.
I was shocked. I didn’t know what to say. More important, I didn’t know what to do. I told my friend that I was so sorry. I told him I’d pray for him. And then I went to sleep. I called my friend the next morning. No answer. I asked around. He was at the hospital.
The same pattern repeated for two long days: I’d call. No answer. I’d ask about him and find out he was at the hospital. But I didn’t go. To this day, I can’t replicate the thought processes that kept me away. I remember feeling some irrational confidence that his father would be fine. I remember being busy. I remember feeling not quite prepared to face such pain and loss. Then I got the call: My friend’s father had died.
I did go to the visitation. I knew — at the very least — that’s what friends do. What happened next is burned into my heart. When I walked in the door, my friend came up to me, looked at me with immense hurt and said, “Where were you?”
I had no answer then. I have no answer now. I failed, and the older I get the better I understand the magnitude of my failure. I had violated the first commandment of friendship: presence. Simply being there was all that had been required. I couldn’t pass even that one simple test.
Mr. French connects his personal story to what he calls America’s “loss of belonging, our escalating loneliness”:
According to an American Perspectives Survey, between 1990 and 2021, the percentage of Americans reporting that they had no close friends at all quadrupled. For men, the number had risen to 15 percent. Almost half of all Americans surveyed reported having three close friends or fewer.
The statistics raise the question: Why? I’d suggest that a big part of the answer lies in the story I told above. Ever since I’ve started thinking and writing about America’s loss of belonging, I’ve been asking people what virtue they value most in a friend. I’ve asked people who are religious and secular, white-collar and blue-collar, men and women, Black and white. And it’s remarkable how often the answer boils down to the single virtue I mentioned above, of presence, of being there.
Time and again I hear versions of this answer, one that grows more salient the longer you live and the greater the headwinds you face: “A friend is there when you need him.” “A friend picks up the phone when you call at 2 a.m.” “A friend stands with you.”
Students, read the entire Opinion essay and then tell us:
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What do you think makes someone a good friend? How important to you is the virtue of simply being there?
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Is there a time when you were there when a friend really needed someone? Has anyone been there for you? Describe a memorable moment: What happened? How did being present make a difference, for you or for your friend?
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Mr. French begins the column with what he calls “one of the worst things I ever did.” What is your reaction to his story? Have you ever wanted to be there in someone’s time of need but didn’t know what to do or say?
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Mr. French writes that he believes that behind the story of America’s polarization and division is “our loss of belonging, our escalating loneliness” and the “extraordinary decline of friendship.” What do you think of his analysis? What do you think we can do about the loneliness epidemic? Can deepening the bonds of friendship help to heal our nation’s divisions?
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What will you take away from the essay? Did it change how you think about friendship? What recommendations do you have for others about being a good friend?
