There’s a lot about teaching that’s hard to explain. The exhaustion. Belittling treatment from parents and sometimes administrators. The frustration of students forgetting something you’ve taught … and retaught. Just how off-kilter student behavior can get the day before a holiday break.
Luckily, teachers have found a way to communicate these big, recurring feelings: by boiling them down into gleaming little nuggets of meaning, then dusting them with a healthy layer of humor.
We asked teachers for the best expressions they’d heard from their coworkers, and they’re pretty genius if you ask us. Many are expressions from Southern or Appalachian regions, others are translations from other countries’ idioms, and others are wholly unique. But all of them had us rolling.
Expressions about behavior
“She’s slicker than snot on a doorknob!”
“They’re just like worms in hot ashes.”
“He went crazy as a sprayed roach.”
“Whew, that mom is a basket of cats.”
“These kids would complain if their ice cream was cold.”
“They’ve got constipation of the brain and diarrhea of the mouth.”
“Sorry, I have pastry hands.” (“I’m clumsy.”)
“I’m busier than a one-armed paper-hanger with a seven-year itch.”
Comments on intelligence
“If he had an idea, it would die of loneliness.”
“Not the crispiest chip in the bag.”
“He’s as lost as an Easter egg.”
“Her elevator doesn’t go all the way up to the top.”
“If I had a brain, I’d take it out and play with it.” (“I don’t know what I was thinking.”)
“Sorry I can’t answer your call right now. I am currently engaged in the battle against ignorance.” —A department head’s voicemail message
Sayings to redirect students
“No one ever died of writing.”
“You make a better door than a window.” (“Please sit down.”)
“It will feel better when it quits hurting.”
“Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!”
“You think I just fell off the turnip truck?” (“You think I was born yesterday?”)
“You’re on a shoogly peg.” (“This is your last warning.”)
Expressions about … farts
“You’re like a fart in a skillet!” (“You’re having trouble sitting still.”)
“We need to be quieter than a mouse fart.”
“The admin building has the collective intelligence of a month-old oyster fart.”
“Making this schedule is like looking for a ghost fart.”
“I’m as lost as a fart in the wind.”
“Drier than a popcorn fart.”
Weather reports
“It’s blowin’ a hoolie!” (From the Scottish word “hoolan” for “strong gale”)
“Looking like a real toad-strangler.” (“It’s raining hard.”)
“It’s hotter than a shearer’s armpit.”
Ways to communicate feelings
“I’m finer than frog hair split four ways.”
“Happier than a dog chewing on a catfish head.”
“Sadder than a sandwich.”
It’s worth mentioning that the teachers who weighed in with these expressions often included stories or comments about how beloved the coworker was or is to them and their students. Clearly these expressions were used to lighten the mood and make people laugh, not humiliate or embarrass. Still, unless you’re in a region that uses them in everyday vernacular, proceed with discretion! (Especially if comparing your superiors to a month-old oyster fart!)
