When somebody tells you that you “matter,” what does that mean to you? How does it feel?
Can you think of a specific time when you felt that you mattered? Perhaps it was when you helped score a goal, contributed to a group project or were the person a friend turned to in a time of need. What did it feel like for others to see you as important and needed?
In “Want to Believe in Yourself? ‘Mattering’ Is Key,” Gail Cornwall writes about why experts say we crave this sense of usefulness:
Gordon Flett came across the term “mattering” as a psychology graduate student. Sitting at his desk in 1987, poring over a textbook, “I immediately knew what mattering was,” he said.
He remembered visiting his grandmother during the summer as a child and taking trips to the insulation plant where she managed the cafeteria. She hung on his every word, and her co-workers treated him like royalty. Recalling the experience, he could almost taste the Jell-O and chocolate milk.
The article goes on to explain what mattering means:
Mattering is “a core, universal human need,” a necessary component for well-being, Dr. Flett said. But it’s tricky to define, he added, because people sometimes confuse it with belonging, self-esteem and social connection.
Mattering involves “more than feeling like you belong in a group,” he explained; it’s also being “missed by people in that group if you weren’t there.” When it comes to self-esteem, you can like yourself and feel capable, Dr. Flett said, but “you still won’t be a happy person if no one notices you when you enter a room.”
To matter, people must feel valued — heard, appreciated and cared for — and they must feel like they add value in ways that make them feel capable, important and trusted, said Isaac Prilleltensky, a professor at the University of Miami and a co-author of “How People Matter.” It’s a two-part definition: feeling valued and adding value.
And experts suggested some ways to increase your sense of mattering, including:
Identify your strengths. Think about a time when you felt useful, Dr. Prilleltensky said. Or pinpoint areas where you’re already adding value and figure out how you can kick it up a notch.
While people can be good at many things, true strengths are things that we’re good at, that we choose to do and that make us feel good while we’re doing them, said Lea Waters, a professor of positive psychology at the University of Melbourne and the author of “The Strength Switch.”
Adjust your relationships. In “How People Matter,” Dr. Prilleltensky and his co-author (and wife), Ora Prilleltensky, recommend telling people why and how much you appreciate them. Try something specific like, “It meant a lot to me that you took out the trash before I got home because you realized I’d be tired from work.”
Volunteer your time. Fighting for a cause is one path to mattering, Dr. Prilleltensky said, though “you don’t need to be Mother Teresa or Martin Luther King.” Make a sandwich for someone experiencing homelessness, for example, or attend an event hosted by an organization you believe in. Just getting started begets the kind of satisfaction and recognition that makes you feel valued, he said.
Students, read the entire article and then tell us:
-
Are you surprised to learn that feeling that you matter is a key to happiness, better relationships and self-compassion? Why or why not? What is something you read that resonated with you?
-
Where and with whom do you feel that you matter most? Why do you think that is?
-
Tell us about a specific time when you felt that you mattered, as Dr. Flett did in the beginning of the article. What was the situation? Who were you with? What made you feel like you were both valued and adding value?
-
In general, do you feel that you matter, to yourself and others? For example, are you in relationships with people who make you feel important? Are there circumstances beyond your control that have made you believe you don’t matter, such as living in a society that doesn’t value your identity? How do you think your sense of mattering, or not, affects you?
-
How could you increase your sense of mattering? Which suggestions from the article might you like to try, and why?
Students 13 and older in the United States and Britain, and 16 and older elsewhere, are invited to comment. All comments are moderated by the Learning Network staff, but please keep in mind that once your comment is accepted, it will be made public and may appear in print.
Find more Student Opinion questions here. Teachers, check out this guide to learn how you can incorporate these prompts into your classroom.
